I remember when I was a child and my whole family was sick with a viral infection that all the school kids were getting. My mum was somehow finding the will to look after my sister, my brother and I, although she was also sick and clearly feeling very under the weather. I thought to myself back then, in my little febrile head: THAT is what motherly love is, putting one’s children’s needs before one’s own…
Today, not too far off the age my mum was back then, I have been feeling pretty unwell myself. Firstly the ‘flu that has been doing the rounds among the villagers these last two weeks finally caught up with me. I had started to believe I was immune (invincible!)… Secondly, my digestive system had become so used to functioning under semi-starvation conditions these last five weeks that a very generous and tasty meal cooked by a neighbour two days ago has been giving me cramps and other digestive unpleasantness since. My system has forgotten how to handle rich and copious food!
That resulted in me waking up this morning, after a restless night, and deciding that the last thing I wanted to do was see any patients. I just wanted to stay in bed and rest my aching flu’ey body, close to the bathroom. It’s the first sick day I have taken since arriving in Lamu, which is pretty incredible given that I went from spending meditative time mostly alone since Ozge’s passing straight into the thick of primary patient care with 24/7 on-call requirements!
I informed the nurse, her assistant and the lab guy that I wouldn’t be seeing patients today, and Hamisi the gardener came to build a sort of fortification out of sun loungers at the entrance to the roof terrace that leads to my door so people would not come knocking while I rested. The nurse sweetly climbed over the barricade to check up on me and see if I needed any medicine (I am thankfully armed to the teeth with painkillers from the latest packages that arrived) and then left me to rest.
However, during the course of the day, no less than five villagers decided that the information about me not seeing patients today and the barricade outside my door did not apply to them! I got more and more grumpy as they came knocking on my windows, making me come open the door to them when the nurse had already done a perfectly good job of advising them on how to sort out their medical issues. None of them were emergencies.
The latest barricade-climbers were a trio of very overweight women, who decided that the mzungu daktari upstairs must have a better solution to the acid reflux one of them had been having than the antacid syrup the nurse already gave her. So they somehow managed the escalate the barricade, and made it to my door and screamed “emergency emergency” until they woke me from deep sleep. I will freely admit that I didn’t even bother to try putting a nice face on my grumpiness when I discovered what the “emergency” was!
I despatched them with more antacids from the supply in my clinic room, as the one with the acid reflux was being so dramatic, lying across the laps of her friends with her hand reaching out to grasp anyone who came within pity distance, and making a large spectacle of the whole thing. I just wanted to be back in bed, as far away from them as possible. Not exactly a humanitarian saintly moment!
Now I am pondering the dynamics of the whole thing. Am I creating some sort of patient dependence on me, by (usually!) being very kind and approachable, to the point where the villagers won’t see anyone but me? Is that a bit of a shooting-myself-in-the-foot situation when I genuinely need time to rest? What can I do when they even start climbing barricades to come see me and then won’t stop banging on my windows till I open the door?
I remind myself that they are not my children, however much I care for them and wish them health and happiness, and I cannot put their needs before my own all the time. Then I just burn out – and get uncharacteristically grumpy!
In any case, my self-preservation instincts are functioning well enough, as Wendy who runs the project here has cleared me to go on two weeks’ holiday from this Friday so I can get some proper rest – and maybe put some weight on again through careful and regular eating! My gratitudes to my dear friends in Europe who have offered to house and feed me during my holiday there, while I build strength for one more month of learning in the deep end, next to the Indian Ocean.
NB: Please don’t worry about any packages that might arrive during my holiday as the post office has a secure box they will be storing them in till my return. Mood improvements should hopefully also follow!
